Repainers: Welcome to Eternal Damnation
Bonedog - No. 14

Retainers. The source of endless agony for millions of teenagers and even more adults. Children count down to the day that they will get their braces off months in advance. Many children even value this marked day higher than their birthday and Christmas. But this day is a Façade, a false hood, a wolf in sheep's clothing. While you will be getting all the permanent metal out of your mouth, there is a new device ready to take the place of the brutal perpetual pain braces had to offer. This device was forged in the fiery pits of hell by dark lord othrodontists. It is called a Retainer.

Raw Pain
Many of my friends have voluntarily discontinued use of their Retainers completely. For the most part not because they don't care about having straight teeth but because they say Retainers are annoying. Really annoying. They are smaller than cellphones and unlike cellphones, which are often used consistently throughout the day, Retainers are only used once right before bedtime making them easy to forget about and misplace. Unfortunately Retainers also make great chew toys for the family dog. When I was in highschool there were countless times I left my Retainers on my cafeteria tray and threw them out with my food. I then had to dig through the garbage and would usually find them in a half eaten baloney sandwich. Great. Now I'm supposed to this foul shit back in my mouth? Jesus.

I personally put my Retainers in every week or two, not because I care how aligned my teeth are but, as an fruitless attempt to justify the thousands of dollars spent on braces by my parents. Sometimes I forget to put my Retainer in for weeks at a time. When this happens I am in-store for hours of searing pain. The thing with putting in retainers is, at least for me, that initially when you put them in, there is no pain, just a tightness sensation.The real pain comes a short few hours later when your teeth start to shift dramatically.

Holy shit man, You okay?
I had a friend, Dave, back in the highschool days that would not wear his retainer. One time I was hanging out at his house after school playing some Super Smash Bros for 64 when his mom came into the room and told him that it was almost time for his appointment. At that moment any joy that Dave was feeling at the time left and his face turned pale. He got up after informing me that he had an orthodontists appointment and went to the bathroom to brush his teeth. After brushing he tried to put his retainers in but they would not fit over his teeth even with significant physical force (presumably due to his irregular wearing patterns).

Dave then placed his bottom Retainer so that it rested on top of his bottom teeth while folding a leather belt in half and laying it across his mouth with the larger retainer piece on top of the belt. He took a big breath and bit down hard, forcing the retainer pieces onto his teeth. Dave screamed in agony as the sharp metal wire of the retainers sliced into his soft gums causing a stream of blood to trickle down his chin. If I weren't in such shock I probably would have laughed.

The following are some other peoples fun accounts with Retainers:

"I went to the bathroom, knelt on the floor, removed my hoodie , and vomit up a delightful stew of partially digested Papa John’s pizza, Jungle Juice, Goldschlager, and a little bit of stomach acid. I then stood up and flushed the toilet. As soon as I flushed, I realized the pressure of the vomit had forced my Retainers from my mouth directly into the toilet...Needless to say, I never replaced my Retainers. The last thing I wanted was to puke another pair out, so I figured I’d cut my losses and take my chances without them."

"A couple of months after I stopped wearing my Retainer, I slipped it on for curiosity's sake. My teeth felt like someone was squeezing them with pliers — it was so painful, I had to take it off right away."

Cool Retainers Bro
Perhaps the worst aspect of wearing Retainers on a long term basis, ahead of making you sound like a flamming retard when you have them in, is how they end up looking after a few months. The aesthetics of a used retainer are, quite frankly, fucking disgusting. At a nearconstant temperature of 98 degrees Fahrenheit the human mouth is a harsh environment for anything to reside in for more than a few minuets. When my retainer is not in my mouth it sits in the bottom of a pool of alcohol for antiseptic purposes, yet it is still covered in a thin white flim of plaque and dried saliva. Fucking gross. And it isn't just the metal and wire retainers that look skanky. I've seen clear plastic retainers that look like a cave man jizzed in them.

I don't know about you guys, but when I agreed to braces, I don't remember agreeing to an eternal oral damnation. I feel like Prometheus, but instead of birds pecking out my liver it's metal wires ripping my teeth in half. Unless you're a masochist, braces just aren't worth it. Instead use pliers every few months to move your teeth to how you want them; you will be saving youself money and ,believe it or not, pain.

Had braces? Have a retainer? Share horror stories below.

The hungry pink spider yells :
Thanks alot - your answer solved all my problems after several days struglgnig
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The healthy red hawk declares :
A lot is two words my friend...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The itchy blood covered ram declares :
I ltierally jumped out of my chair and danced after reading this!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------